MONO LAKE SQUAB -- After his 2005 hunting trip, Dick Cheney dined at The Sam Lummox Bistro in this tiny community east of Yosemite. At that dinner Mr. Cheney said "This Poached Alkalized Squab is the best meal I ever had." He passed his recommendation on to friends who all know him as a man of discrimination, and subsequently the life of Sam Lummox and his Bistro forever changed.

Even Food Network critic Ira Mohel touted The Sam Lummox Bistro for its "amorous flavors derived from alkali salt." Now patrons must make reservations months in advance for a dining experience.

But at a recent ornithologist convention here, Don Featherstone solved a mystery and unwittingly exposed an injustice. "I'm amused watching Mono Lake Gulls strut with their beaks open feeding on swarms of alkali flies, often they just drop dead from gluttony. I wondered what happened to all those dead birds, and then, oh-my-god, I knew."

So yesterday, while being taken away in handcuffs, Sam Lummox said "It all seemed so easy picking up fat dead birds and serving them up. Why didn't that Mr. Cheney just shoot me in the face, it would have been easier."