Tourist Abduction Plan Rocks New Zealand

KARAMEA, New Zealand (AP) -- In a joint press conference yesterday at the Kohaihai Camping Ground, the Department of Conservation and the New Zealand Geological Society announced a plan to save indigenous sea rocks from tourist abduction. The plan is expected to save the souls of millions of rocks from being unwittingly coerced by tourists just to be mantel pieces in unfamiliar lands.

With the announcement, Dr. Peter Principalli of the Geological Society will become the chief executor of the plan. He has assembled a large team of rock enthusiasts to assist him.

"Tourists become infatuated with the sensuous lines, the lush colors, the luxurious glitter, and opulent rounded shapes," said rock star Madonna, "and then promise a life of status on some mantel in a foreign land. I have been there, they soon forget, and you are left to collect dust."

An estimated 37,000 people in cities across the world attended the announcement that was broadcast live through the internet. Alexis Gore, the ancestral namesake to this town on the South Island, said "It is wonderful that such a worthy message can be spread to so many over the internet. I am proud my distant cousin was the founder of that medium."

In the nearby town of Clinton, a rally to support the cause captivated many. "It happens to me all the time, I understand the coercion, they say they love you but it's just lip service" said Monica Maidenhead longtime resident of the town.

In the United States in front of a 60-foot live video screen of the event, President Bush used the announcement as a photo opportunity. When the cameras started rolling, he picked up a cute cuddlely rock and said "I am pleased that the New Zealand government is finally cracking down on illegal immigration. This is a serious problem, there are so many of them, they could be used as a WMD." To this, his meticulously selected conservative audience cheered.

Back on New Zealand's North Island, Pippa Appel said "When at the Heaphy Hut walking along the beach, I was entranced by the rich tenorous voice of the Tasman Sea and I didn't think any harm would come by taking one of these adorable rocks home. I have repented, I now know it was wrong to break up these families, I am born again."

In hopes of sustaining the momentum of reuniting wayward rocks to their rightful homesteads, a reward program has begun. Those returning abducted rocks will be given a free Kiwi burger. "A perfect idea," said Sierra Club president Carl Pope. "It is well known that consumption of these burgers causes infertility in women and ED in men, thus it is a great natural tool for population control."